NERDvitZ' Blog

my love… repost

nerdvitz — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 07:59:25 +0000

“As long as you can always throw something different at the guys on the other end of the field, then they have to respect you. i like that feeling of, “This team had better put extra guns on me, cause if they don’t, I’m going to come get em. And they know it.” And you know what else i like, I like not just running to the snake right off of the break, but trying to take those crazy bunkers off of the break. I would rather to roll into a spot that nobody else has tried to get to off the break. Just get in there, do some damage, do my thing, give them a real hard right hook, then be out. If you live through it, great. If you dont, whatever. I accept the fact that I’m expendable. If youre a front player, you have to take that chance…cause if you DO make it there, you’re going to shoot all kinds of people. If you dont, whatever . You got hit off the break. Congratulations, one of these cats did their job and actually hit you. They care about when you DO make it there and you go shoot everyone in the back. Thats what the position’s all about. Thats what I love. Thats what makes a front player dangerous. Thats what makes a team scared. Thats paintball to me. Thats what fires me up…”

i originally posted that on jan. 1, 2010. that night, we decided that everything happened wasn’t what we wanted. and now that im coming back, i see that the person that believed this is the person that i was when she first met me. the person that isn’t afraid to run up and fight. i’m coming back. harder and stronger than ever before.

bump…

nerdvitz — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 02:34:34 +0000

qft.

ambitions…

nerdvitz — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 06:52:44 +0000

new life. new people. new beginnings. and im starting off with new parts for my car.

- Black Diamond Pro wheels. still debating the size/offsets. but im working to be aggressive. (15×8 +0 offset rears?)

- Coils (from ommar)

- Thule 400XTR Rapid Aero Foot Pack (KIT2196, 544 4-pack lock cylinder, RB43 Rapid Aero Load bar pair,871XT Fairing 38″) – $500

- Authentic JDM RS Tailights – $400

- JDM RS front and rear?

- Color matched SEIBON lip kit

- Exhaust (JDM Blitz Nur Spec, Megan Racing, Tanabe Medallion Touring, Fujitsubo Super Wagolis)

- Spoiler

- Clazzio leather seat covers. Black w/ red stitching. MAYBE blue? i dont really know yet. =/

Fujitsubo exhaust clip:

no…

nerdvitz — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:17:53 +0000

that’s not what i want. i don’t want you out of my life. i don’t want you to hurt me. but i don’t want those shades of grey. i’m not going to push you away. im going to do my own thing. you’re going to do yours. but when we want to do something together, then we can do it. i agree with louis, but i don’t at the same time. i DON’T want us to end up like him and ate lhea. i’m accepting that you wanna do your thing. im accepting everything that’s happened between us. i know what you want. but i don’t want us to get any further than we already are. i WANT to be your friend. i don’t want us to just disappear from each others lives like you meant nothing to me and i meant nothing to you. yeah, its going to be hard for me to “get over you”. but if that’s what you want….then i’ll do it. i will NEVER fully get over you. but i’ll continue on with life. a life with you in it though. i’ve already had you away from my life long enough. i want us to have all of the fun that we’ve always wanted to have. and if that means only as friends, then it’ll only be as friends. cause i would rather have that, than nothing at all. and as much as i love louis, he still doesn’t understand ME. no one does. but if ANYONE would, it would be you. we’re unique. our relationship is different. i’ve always told you that. so i don’t want you to completely follow what he says based off of HIS experiences. it’ll hurt. A LOT. and you’re right. i WILL be sad and depressed till everyone starts hanging out with me. then i’ll get better. but you’re STILL and will ALWAYS be my best friend. and i intend to keep it that way. i love you jennifer. and i always will.

alright…

nerdvitz — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 06:53:13 +0000

“In a moment I’ll be on my way, to better days, while life is changing
And even though I’ve had my share of pain, I’ve been sympathizing and realizing
I’ve got a feeling that we can be a better friend”

fake…

nerdvitz — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:42:30 +0000

i dont know what to do. theres so many thoughts running through my head. i hate everything. i dont want this. i dont even know what to put anymore. i just wish all of this was over with. i just want us. i want the relationship that we had. i love her. i really do. and i KNOW that she loves me too. but shes too clouded with other thoughts. i will always love her as a husband no matter what.

yellowcard LITERALLY has the perfect song for me…

Fighting – Yellowcard

Said I’d moved on and I’d leave it alone,
But before I walk out there is something that I need you to know,
I got lost in a blink of an eye,
And I can never get back, no I never got back,
You were not there when I wanted to say,
That you were everything right and it wasn’t you but me to change,
Now I got to go it alone,
But I’ll never give up, no I’ll never give up

What am I fighting for,
There must be something more,
For all these words I sing,
Do you feel anything

I said I’m ok but I know how to lie,
You were all that i had,
You were delicate and hard to find,
Got lost in the back of my mind,
And I can never get back, no I never got back
You were not there when I needed to say,
I hit the bottom so fast that my head was spinning ’round for days,
Now I gotta go it alone,
But I will never give up, no I’ll never give up

What am I fighting for,
There must be something more,
For all these words I sing,
Do you feel anything

What am I fighting for,
What am I fighting for

Never give up on this, Never give up on this,Never give up on this, Never give up on this
Said I’m ok but I know how to lie,
I will never give up, no I’ll never give up

What am I fighting for,
There must be something more,
For all these words I sing,
Do you feel anything

What am I fighting for (No I’m never gonna give up, give up)
What am I fighting for (No I’m never gonna give up, give up)

Said that I’d fight for the one that I found,
I’m gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around,
I’d fight you’re apart of me now,
And I will never give up, no I’ll never give up….

that last verse is definitely how i feel. im gonna stay here while i wait for her to come around. i love her so much. BUT i know that this is what she wants. she wants to do this. but she doesnt want me to hurt. how am i supposed to not feel hurt? another line in the song, “said im ok but i know how to lie”. thats all im doing. im lying to myself. i say that everything is great. i have a great day. i love life. but inside, i hate everything. everyone is having a great time and constantly talking about girls. but all im doing is thinking about her. i hate this pain. ive never felt this before. ive never cried so much. nothing has ever meant so much to me. but what am i supposed to do? keep fighting for us? let her go and see if she’ll come back? either way, theres pain. i want to be her friend. i really do. but knowing that its not the same is what hurts. knowing that shes going to be with him is what hurts. thinking that our relationship is going to slip away more and more is what hurts. so i put on this fake smile to make her happy. but nothing will make me happy. im still fighting. i’ll never give up… i love her.

love…

nerdvitz — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:33:03 +0000

“Said that I’d fight for the one that I’ve found,
I’m gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around,
I fight you’re apart of me now,
And I will never give up, no I’ll never give up…” – Yellowcard.

jR…

nerdvitz — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 07:40:23 +0000

these past 3 years have been the hardest that ive ever been though. we’ve fought soooo many times. but in the end, i feel that we only fought because we missed each other so much that we were just mad at the situation that we were put in. these past 3 years have definitely been a HUGE test for us. its going to show how much we really care about each other. in december, i slipped. i messed up and jennifer took all of the pain. and now in february, it was my turn to feel the pain. jennifer lost all feeling for me. shes tired of fighting for me. but the reason why i keep fighting is because we’re so close. we’re literally less than a month away. and now i have to show her what she fought for. i have to prove to her that she didnt fight for so long for nothing. she didnt fight for some asshole to come back and make her feel that pain again. she NEVER deserved that. and im GOING to prove to her that all of her hard work, dedication, faith, etc. was worth it. im going to step my game up for her. for us. i love her more than i ever have before. its the complete opposite feelings now. and now i need to make them equal. i need to fight for her. i need to figure us out. i want her to love me again. love me as a lover. shes so confused right now. shes 20 years old with so many things on her plate. and i just want to clear up the plate a little bit for her. i want her to be happy again. shes so beaten up and scarred. i just hope that she’ll see ME again. i hope that she’ll see what we have. everything that we’ve wanted to do is here. i married the 18 year old jennifer gozum when i was 19. and it might not have been the best decision, but it doesn’t mean that it was the WRONG decision. im never going to say that marrying jennifer was a mistake. its a decision that we made together and im going to live up to my words. im going to fix everything that ive messed up. im going to prove to her that she made the right choice marrying me. theres about 3 weeks till i get there, and i hope that they fly by cause i cant wait to bust my ass to win her heart back…

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nerdvitz — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 07:16:27 +0000

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Protected: pain…

nerdvitz — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 21:43:19 +0000

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